I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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