She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
