i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
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