I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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