Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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