i just wanna soil my oats bro
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I could fuck to npr.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
