No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
