Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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