Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
