You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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