porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
