i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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