Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
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