I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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