I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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