You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
