Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
