He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
