you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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