32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Randomize
