Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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