Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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