I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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