you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
