From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
