god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Randomize
