He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize