I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
