My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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