I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
this just has baby written all over it
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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