if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Randomize
