just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
