i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
