It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
