Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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