i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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