I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
