I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
