Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize