Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
