dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
