Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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