Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
