Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
This baby is an asshole
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
