I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
