im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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