I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
