Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
