Umm I'm too high to move.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
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