Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
