we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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