It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Barsexuality is the new black.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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