Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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