He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
