am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
