Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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